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Marriage - Till Death Do Us Part Or Until it Gets Tough? How to Fight For Your Marriage

Many couples struggle with knowing what to do regarding strife in their relationships. Some wonder if it would be better to separate, some think they should stay together for the kids' sake and some have no idea what they want. They know, however, that they're unhappy.
My belief about marriage is that people should do whatever they can to make it work. My particular bias is that when it comes to children it is even more imperative that couples do absolutely all they can to make it work. I believe that if people want out of a marriage, they have to earn their way out. You earn your way out by doing everything in your power to make it work. If, after they have done everything, it still isn't good, then I believe it's time to call it a day.
I realize this thinking goes against what many people believe and I'm okay with that. I don't believe that people should stay together no matter what and, in fact, I think that is irresponsible and, at times, dangerous. Nor do I believe people should divorce just because things got a little tough or they "fell out of love" with one another (without trying to fall back in love). Relationships should not be abusive, toxic or harmful in anyway-to the adults...or to the children who are witnesses. Relationships should be supportive, loving and a place of refuge -- not dread. I believe all people and all children deserve this kind of relationship. Any relationship that falls short in these qualities is not enough in my eyes.
Doing everything you can to make your marriage work means:
• Working your side. Too many people defiantly point a finger at their partner demanding that they change. Working your marriage requires that you stop pointing at your partner and start looking at you. If you need to set a limit on a behavior, then set the limit and follow through. Don't, however, sit back and think all the change should come from your partner. We all have our human imperfections. Work yours.
• Getting professional help and actively participating in the work. If things are so bad that you're thinking of leaving a marriage-get professional help. The chances of you being able to create the change you need is slim without help. Once you are receiving help, you need to do more than just show up. Do the work. In fact, do the work even if your partner isn't. As you get healthier, you will not be able to behave unhealthily, so get yourself healthy regardless of what your partner does. This is the best gift you can give your children.
• Warming up to your partner. If your partner is doing their part to change things, you need to warm up and let their change in. It's not okay to endlessly throw their past mistakes in their face. It's also not okay for you to be cold, stoic or mean because of the past. If you can't forgive them, stop pretending you're trying to make it work. Tell them you can't get past it and let them go. Otherwise, you do the work needed with a good spirit.
• Being honest. Now is not the time to sugarcoat the truth. Your marriage is on the line and you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest about what is and is not working for you. Too many people (women especially) say things are fine when they're not. They distort the truth because they don't want to be mean. But it's mean to lie. Stop trying to be nice and, instead, be authentic. It's the only way to create a great relationship.
• Being accountable. You need to listen to what your partner doesn't like about you and be accountable for those behaviors. If you make mistakes-own them. Don't get dismissive or defensive every time your partner complains about something, but then expect him/her to be receptive and accountable when you complain about something.
If you're struggling in your marriage and not sure what to do--try to fix it. Follow all the steps above before making a decision. Once you have done everything to make it work, you will be in a better position to make a healthier long-term decision.
CHALLENGE: If your marriage is on the rocks, start stepping up and trying to make it work. Incorporate all of the steps above and see what happens.

Lisa Merlo-Booth is a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. She has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues. http://www.key2loves.blogspot.com 

She earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Lisa is the Director of Training for the Relational Life Institute owned by the renowned author, Terrence Real.

Check out Lisa's blog on relationships at http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straighttalk

The 10 Secrets of a Happy Relationship

The statistics on relationships are depressing: in California
alone, the average marriage lasts just 5 years. Nationwide,
43% of marriages end within 15 years. Second and third
marriages end in divorce 60-70% of the time. Clearly, how we
handle our relationships is not working. And yet, 94% of young
adults in one study said that having a good marriage is
extremely important to them. So, what can you do?
We researched much of current the literature on relationships
and have condensed the results into just a few key concepts.
These principles seem to be the common denominators in
happy, successful marriages. See how many you can identify
in your relationship.
1. It starts with you

To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you are as happy as
you make up your mind to be. Research has shown that
happiness is a state of being, not of having or doing or
achieving. Nor is happiness a destination. People often
say, "I just want to be happy" or "I just want to have a
happy marriage" as if that is a future goal or place in
time. The problem is, they never get there. That's
because the future is... in the future. And the only true
destination is your final day on earth. And then it's too
late. So make the decision to be happier starting today.

There's a relationship benefit as well. The happier you
are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you
are to your partner. Another way to look at this is: if you
were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to
work on being the kind of person you would want to
know, to date, and to marry. If you're not that kind of
person now, how can you expect your spouse to stay
attracted or stay passionate?

2. There's you, there's him/her, and then there's "we".

You don't have to give up your identity or be known
solely as your spouse's partner.

It also doesn't work when two people each do their own
thing without regard to their partner's wishes and
feelings. Marriage is, and should be, more than
cohabitation. As the marriage vows state, "two shall be
as one". That "one" is neither you nor him. The "one" is
a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the "we".

The "we" is what you share, what you have in common,
the support and nurturing that you cannot give yourself.
Think companionship, intimacy, and sharing.

3. You leave behind your emotional baggage

Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you
can't fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are
still Daddy's little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in
control of your own life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter
into an adult relationship of mutual sharing and support.
You can't be accountable to your spouse if you still have
to please Mommy or Daddy.

You can't reach new heights as a person as long as
you're dragging around your emotional suitcases. And,
it's not fair to your partner. If you're dating but not in a
committed relationship right now, consider a time out
while you unpack those bags and resolve those issues
that keep you from being your own man or woman. If
you are committed, a relationship coach can help you
stow your baggage so you can be there completely for
your partner.

4. The marriage comes first

Marriage is supposed to be the strongest bond between
two people. Parents come and go; children grow and
leave. Your spouse is only person to stay with you the
rest of your time on this planet.

Women who say their children come first, usually can
never let the children grow up and become independent
adults because then the primary relationship in these
women's lives would end. So the children never
emotionally leave home and are forever dependent on
the parent. This delights the women because they are
not willing to have their children grow up emotionally and
become independent adults.

Women who say their children come first also seem so
surprised when their mates eventually decide to leave for
someone else who WILL put them first. And finally, when
children are the center of a women's life, and the
children eventually leave, the woman typically feels lost.
Her reason for existing the last 18-22 years has just
moved out. And if she should turn to her partner after a
20 year emotional abscense, it's like going to your high
school reunion. You used to know them but its not the
same now because they've changed.

When partners put the marriage first, friends, relatives,
and acquaintences are still important but they're not
primary. The man and woman, as the principals in the
relationship, are the combined heads of their household.
As such they look to eath other-and no one else-for their
primary comfort and support.

5. Your marriage is your top priority.

You didn't get married to commute two hours a day,
work at the office 60 hours a week, and pay on a
mortgage for 30 years, did you? You probably got
married to share your life-not your bills-with that special
someone. During life's ups and especially during life's
downs, keep in mind why you married in the first place.
It wasn't so you could get a better job, buy a better car,
or obsess over your favorite sports team. Once upon a
time, your partner was the most important thing in this
world to you. If you value your relationship, he or she
still is. Start acting like it again today and every day.

6. Don't compare

This holds true in your life as well as in your marriage.
There will always be a couple that seems happier,
wealthier, sexier, and more perfect than you two are. So
what? Their happiness doesn't increase or diminish your
happiness. Neither does their money, their jobs, their
house, or their prettiness. All that matters is whether you
for you.

7. Don't wonder "what if?"

Wondering what it would be like to be with another
person-for a night or for a lifetime-is self-delusion and is
really unfair to your spouse. You see other people
socially when they are at their best. You see your spouse
when he/she is at his best, her average, and sometimes
at her worst. If you could swap mates, guess what?
You'd see that person at his/her worst, and you probably
wouldn't like what you see. You already have a lot
invested in your partner. Take care of that investment.
The payoff is usally greater than starting all over again.

8. Realize that love can grow.

As much as you were in love when you got married, your
love and commitment to each other can grow over the
years. Despite all the old married jokes and cliches,
marriage can get better, not worse, with time. The
longer you've been married, the more history you have
together.The triumphs and disappointments, the
successes and the failures, all are part of sharing a life
together. And that history is unique to you. No one else
has that or can duplicate it. This is why a man who
leaves his middle aged wife for a younger woman
eventually wants to come back. With his wife he has a
history-a shared past. With the new woman there is only
the present. Leaving his wife permanently is like leaving
himself behind as well. Since she is a part of his past,
she is the best person to be a part of his future.

9. Commitment means "no matter what".

It's as simple as making the decision to be totally
committed to your spouse and to the relationship. No
matter what happens: financially, health wise, or
otherwise. No matter what. Once the two of you have
decided to stay "no matter what", there is no question of
stay or go, yes or no.

Write this down: "ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE ISSUES".
Happy relationships always have issues. Unhappy
relationships certainly have issues. It's just that in happy
relationships, the couples identify the issues, negotiate
the issues, and come to terms with the issues. Couples
in unhappy relationships deny, ignore, put up, or run
away.
Once the two of you have made the decision "no matter
what" the emphasis is on the we. And, since we is not
you and not him, the only positions "we" have are the
ones you've decided together. In short, all problems are
negotiable because there are no his problems or her
problems. When one partner has a problem, just having
the problem should be a problem for the other partner.
Therefore, all problems are shared problems. Their
problems require their solutions.

10. Believe that a happy marriage is not only possible, it's
yours for the making.

It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment,
and practice. But the many couples who have happy,
blissful, and satisfying marriages are proof that it is
possible. Just choose to be happy, and choose to be
happily married.
Yes, you'll still have to work at it. But the rewards are so
much greater than the effort. Besdies, being single and
looking takes effort; being divorced and looking again
takes effort. Spend the effort inside your marriage and
stay married. Happily married.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com
Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

Your Wedding Ceremony - 9 Steps to Creating a Relationship Altar to Enrich Your Perfect Marriage

There seems to be some evidence that employing metaphors makes the connection between the thing and the metaphor more real. So that when you're discussing your love and you say that your love is like a rose, then you will be drawn to roses and make connections with your partner when you encounter roses. In that way the metaphor strengthens the relationship. One of the things that we don't use often enough is the power of an altar to accomplish something. (And by altar I don't mean a large edifice erected to golden bulls. Biblical stories warn us that that doesn't go so well!) Altars are metaphors for the relationship. Building an altar is declaring an intention. It is making a place in your house, often your bedroom, to pay attention to your desires.
Altars need to be tended. And the more time you spend cleaning, sprucing up, rearranging your altar, the more likely you are to spend time cleaning, sprucing up and tending your relationship. I haven't met a person who doesn't flourish when he or she is looked after and cosseted a bit. But if you acknowledge that marriage and the keeping of wedding vows are difficult tasks, why not give yourselves some support as you plan for your wedding ceremony and celebration? How should you build this altar?

1. Take a small table and find a place for it in your bedroom. You can use one of your bureaus but it's better if it's neutral space.
2. If you have a special cloth, use that. Otherwise just clean and polish your table. (Think of it as dressing for a date!) You could do something whimsical as well. If the two of you do the Times crossword puzzle together, use the page with the completed crossword as your altar cloth. (change it every day when you finish the next crossword!)
3. Put a picture of each one of you on the altar. Pick a picture of yourself that you love, one where you felt strong and confident. Or ask your partner to pick a photo where he or she found you gorgeous and completely lovable. (you can even use both, if they're not the same and you have the room!)
4. Put a couple of small objects on the altar that represent your lives, your individual lives.
5. Then choose a photo of the two of you. It might be a formal photo if you had an engagement photo taken, or it could be a picture that captures the essence of who you are. Once you marry, put a wedding photo on the altar. Find one where you're obviously enjoying one another. Or find one from the ceremony that conveys your feelings for one another.
6. Put some mementos on the altar from your shared life. Ticket stubs, beach pebbles, bicycle pumps... They should be things that represent the things you like about one another and the things you enjoy doing together.
7. Put a candle on it. Light that candle when you're in the room. Light it when before you make love, light it if you've had a stupid fight over wedding favors.
8. Put fresh flowers on it. Or favorite foods. But you must keep these fresh. You don't want to leave stale or dead flowers or food to honor your love.
9. Tend your relationship. Tend your marriage. Tend one another, and your marriage will thrive.

Bottom Line?: Give your relationship the chance it deserves to succeed wildly, against all odds! After all, you deserve it. Your relationship deserves it! If you want in-depth pointers, ideas, information about designing your perfect wedding ceremony, explore my site! And now I'd like to invite you to sign up to receive 2 free templates for creating the wedding vows of your dreams and the marriage of a lifetime: hhttp://www.key2loves.blogspot.com
The Rev. Ann Keeler Evans - helping you move from "I do" to happily and healthily ever after!

The-Psychology-of-Restoring-a-Broken-Marriage-Or-Relationship

Did you know that the statistics for the divorce rate in countries like the United States and the UK are at about 45% to 50%?
And the figures for remarriage are not much more encouraging either. About 60% to 80% of couples who remarry divorce again!
To me these are troubling statistics in a modern day society that seems to regard marriage as a "throw away item", try one on for size if it doesn't fit try another one on! Now I am not here talking exclusively about marriage in terms of relationship breakdown, although I will say I am an advocate of marriage and monogamy but I recognize that many people are in "committed" relationships of all sorts.
But we have to look at the consequences of ALL relationship break down on ALL parties, financial, emotional, psychological, spiritual and not least on innocent children to realize that relationship breakdown takes a huge toll on individuals, families and society as an whole!
So what happens if you feel that you have met the "love of your life" and for whatever reason that relationship breaks down? Let's face relationships are under huge pressure these days financial pressure, job pressure, status pressure whatever? There are hundred of reasons relationships come under pressure and begin to crumble, it's almost the norm! The pursuit of "happiness"' for many means that the first time problems arise in the marriage/relationship it's "I'm out of here see you!" or some other expression!
Back to my original question just what do you do to salvage a relationship that has already broken down?

Well for me you have to ask the question: is this situation capable of being salvaged? Do you really believe that the marriage or relationship can be salvaged? Well the answer is most definitely yes with a capital YES! However most people go about it in the wrong way and make things ten times worse than they were before!
But I am here to tell you that with the right techniques, a relationship or marriage that looks as dead as a dodo can be salvaged, even marriages or relationships that have seen the parties parted for years? However there is a psychology to this and unfortunately people do the opposite of what they should be doing!
So if you are in a situation of relationship or marriage breakdown today and would like to know some of the "secrets" of getting you ex back please click here.

Oliver Kent M.A. is a Professional Qualified Life Coach. For a FREE Copy of his latest Report looking at "Success Mindset" Strategies go to: http://www.key2loves.blogspot.com

You can achieve a happy married life in a number of ways

 By joe
You can achieve a happy married life in a number of ways. Small things can help maintain peace and harmony at home while big decisions can harm the domestic atmosphere. While it almost impossible to agree with what the other says all time time, a couple should realise that it is possible to maintain peace even while arguing. Understand that a disagreement is temporary, and this small step alone can see your marriage through a variety of trials.
1. Know Your Partner Well
Developing awareness of your partner's tastes is among the keys to a happy married life. Your relationship can be shaped according to each other's preferences. When you are aware of your partner's dislikes, you can refrain from doing what will cause distress to your partner. This will ensure your partner that you are considerate of him or her, a factor that is of utmost importance in the successful achievement of marital harmony.
2. Make Decisions Together
Making decisions together is also a key to achieving happiness in marriage for three reasons. First, this practise enables the couple to work in collaboration to reach a decision. Second, both get equally involved in the decision making. Third, if only one person makes a decision that ultimately turns out to be a bad one, it could lead to resentment.
3. Balance Your Work and Life
You have to pay a lot of attention to your married life to ensure its success, which means that you should learn to balance between your career and personal life. Sometimes, you could get very much involved in your career and push married life to the background. You have to put in some effort to prevent this from happening.
You have to realize that there is no career in the world that holds as much importance as your married life. At the same time, it cannot be denied that sometimes you have to work at weekends and in the late evenings too. But make an honest attempt to minimize these situations.
Try not to bring your work home. In short, don't allow your career to interfere with your married life. If you place too much emphasis on your job, your marriage will naturally suffer. You can talk about your day at work or vent about some problem you might be facing with employers or colleagues, but otherwise, keep the office where it is and don't let it wreck your married life.
4. Don't Focus on Disagreements
All marriages have their share of problems and discords. It is important not to prolong an argument. If ever you disagree, try to come to a friendly conclusion. If this is impossible, at least agree to disagree and proceed with your married life.
Everyday is a new beginning. Forget the disagreements or arguments of the previous day when you wake up to each day. In spite of your honest attempts, if you were unable to work out a solution to the problem, forget about it and go on with new day harmoniously.
5. Agree on Financial Matters
Another key to a happy married life is to come to an agreement on financial issues. Financial matters create a lot discord in married life. Both partners should develop awareness about financial situations and establish a budget that is easy to stick to. This will prevent any arguments related to financial issues in married life.
6. Agree on Critical Issues before Marriage
Before getting married, know your partner well and discuss major issues. For instance, it will be disastrous to discover after marriage that your partner does not want any children while you want to become a parent. Differences of opinion on such crucial matters can utterly destroy a marriage. Make sure that you marry someone only after coming to an agreement about critical matters such as this. It will prevent problems cropping up in your married life in the future.
7. Don't Discuss Sensitive Issues
Keep away issues that might create discord in your married life. While it is perfectly alright to have opposing points of view regarding politics or religion, it is not acceptable to allow your differences in opinion to cause a split in your married life. You can enjoy a harmonious married life if you respect your partner and his or her opinions.
8. Give Each Other a Lot of Space
Give each other a lot of space to ensure a happy married life. Spending a lot of time with each other can be suffocated. So, it is as important to be apart as it is to be together and communicate matters pertaining to your interests. The time that you spend apart from each other not only protects the marriage but also enables each partner to retain his or her individuality.
9. Respect Your Spouse
Respecting your partner is of paramount importance in marriage. Couples that show a lot of respect to each other and to themselves can be civil to each other even during a disagreement. Respect always promotes peace and happiness in married life.
10. Share Household Chores
This is the greatest secret to a happy married life. A couple that shares domestic chores and goes out of the way to make things easy for each other ensure happiness and peace in their married life.
You will wreck your life if you don't help your spouse with domestic chores. You could also go as far as making a list of things to be done everyday and taking your share of the responsibility. It is not fair to burden one person with all the work; so a written document of the responsibilities that each partner has to shoulder will go a long way in protecting domestic peace.
Don't confuse harmony in married life with agreeing to everything that your spouse says. You don't have to agree to each and every issue to enjoy a peaceful and happy married life. Many factors contribute to the peace and happiness of a married life. Some might be crucial and some may be small, but they all play a major role in a harmonious marriage.

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